Eight months ago I told my best friend I was pregnant with triplets. And that was the last time I saw her.
Things had been strained between us since before I got pregnant - she hadn't been terribly supportive of our decision to pursue IVF and one of the specific issues she'd brought up was the increased possibility of multiples. I had made a decision not to force the pregnancy issue when we saw each other and to only share when she showed interest, rather than throwing updates about hormone injections and ultrasounds at her if she didn't want them. So that night I was chatting about inane small talky things and in a lull in the conversation she asked how the "fertility stuff" was going, and I told her I was actually currently pregnant with triplets.
Her response was underwhelming, to say the least. A few days later I sent her an email asking what was up and, among (many) other things, she told me that she didn't think my pregnancy was a good idea, couldn't support my pregnancy and wouldn't be able to help with anything.
That was the last time I heard from her. I have since sent a few notes - trying to make sure a misunderstanding didn't somehow end a ten-year friendship. But it appears not to have been a misunderstanding.
As I processed the break-up, most people told me not to worry about it - that during my pregnancy, especially because it was a high-risk pregnancy, I had to surround myself with people who were supportive. Easier said than done. Rejection of any form isn't easy, and all those post-break-up emotions were being magnified by pregnancy hormones. It seemed everything around me somehow reminded me of conversations and activities I'd shared with her (albeit, in retrospect, they were all her favorite pastimes that we shared, not mine).
People also told me that after the babies were born I wouldn't have time to worry about people who didn't want to help and be around the babies. This has proven to be quite true. On Monday the Salvateenies celebrated their 2-month birthday and it had been, probably, about 2 months since I'd caught myself wondering how she was doing.
And then three things happened today. 1) Her name popped up on my calendar because today is her anniversary. 2) I watched last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother, in which two best friends fight and break up because the one planning her pregnancy is worried the other will dump her when she becomes a mommy and the other is worried about being dumped for the kid (though they make up in the end). and 3) I read http://www.babycenter.com's list of "42 things that change when you have a baby" - #8: "You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago".
So I guess it's true - breaking up is hard to do. But sometimes it happens and you move on. And what you find is so much more than what you lost.
Okay.. even I can't compete with the Salvateenies.. but who would want to? You deserve only the best and that's what you got... three adorable little babies and plenty of friends and anonymous fans! Some people really are like bad buttercream.. no amount of sugar can sweeten them up. ;)
ReplyDeleteWow, I think that when you look at those 3 beautiful faces you cant help but realize that you are in a fabulous place and if someone (a someone with a 10 year history with you) cant see the joy you have with your family, well I think that person needed to leave long ago, and probably if you look back it may have been a one sided relationship with you being the giver and them being the "taker", I am sure its sad and it hurts, but you and your hubby and your beautiful babies........wow what a life you all have in front of you.....kudos to the Salvateenies!
ReplyDeleteI know this has been a difficult issue with which you've had to deal but hopefully you realize the old expression "when one door closes another opens" applies in this situation. For those of us who could be considered new friends, I say, "Bring on the feedings; bring on the crying; bring on the poopy diapers. We're there to help with all of it and give our utmost support.
ReplyDeleteI have learned that I leave myself open for disappointment when I assume people will agree with me on things I feel are fundamentally obvious. It's as if I expect us to disagree on things that don't matter, but then am shocked to find out that we disagree on huge things, like whether it's cool to do IVF. It's always painful to bump into the issues in a relationship that are deal breakers. It's a deal breaker that a friend not support you at this time. Her feelings and opinions are legitimate, they just don't fit with yours. When it's about where to go for a coffee, it's negotiable, this is not. I feel her loss of you, too. I'm also sorry for her. But it's life. We move on...
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